So I decided that I wanted to start over again. And coming back meant that I had to let go of everything that I had ever wrote, and leave it in its rightful place: the past.
My decision to come back to this, even though I have another blog that I’m handling, is that I needed a place to just be…me. I just needed a space where I could freely talk about emotions that I’m feeling, thoughts that I’m thinking. A place that I can call my own; a place where I can be as transparent and as vulnerable as possible.
I was going through my old posts, all the way from 2009, where I was this naive 18 year old teenager. As I read some of the posts, if there was one thing that I could tell my 18 year old self, it’s this..
you are an idiot.
I just shook my head at my stupidity and my self-righteousness, and just wanted to smack myself in the head, haha!
However, despite of how ignorant and naive I was, I was very open and bold about my thinking and my writing. I wrote every single day. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even if it was just a one-liner, I made sure I wrote.
I wrote about what I did that day, I wrote about a thought, I wrote corny appreciation posts to my friends, I wrote about music, culture, etc. I wrote about anything that popped up into my head that day.
Looking at my 25 year old self now, I ask myself: what happened? Where did that passion of writing go? Why are you so reserved now? You have so much to say, don’t contain it.
And it’s true. I do have a lot to say, but I’m scared. Scared of opposition. Scared of saying too much. Scared of being offensive. Scared of not knowing my facts and making myself look like an idiot. All these thoughts run in my head; probably the reasons why I don’t write as much as I did.
But I know that God instilled this characteristic in my 18 year old self for a reason. If there was something that I could take back, it would be my passion and eagerness and boldness to just be honest. And this is going to be the start of the journey. My step forward is taking a piece of myself in the past that I know will bring something positive out of my 25 year old self.